Chippy

In this month’s Waitrose Food Illustrated (we have TWO of them in Edinburgh now, oh yes) the founder of the Plain English Campaign, Chrissie Maher attacks “menu-speak”.  She claims that words such as “carpaccio”, “velouté” or “blanquette” are used as part of a game called Humiliate the Consumers whereby restaurant customers are made to  feel inferior, stupid and reluctant to ask questions.  A “blanquette”, she claims, is really only stew.  Well, yes it is but it’s a very particular type of stew and if you’re expecting beef and mushrooms in Guinness, you’re going to be disappointed.  She even objects to the word “menu” itself, deriding it as a “Frenchification” of “bill of fare”.  How, I wonder does she suggest we should should refer to to the lists of options presented to us daily by our computers, phones and DVD players?  Perhaps as just that, lists of options?

I’m broadly sympathetic to the aims of the Plain English Campaign, but I don’t understand why it insists on limiting vocabulary in this way.  Come across a word you don’t recognise?  Why not look it up in this wonderful invention, a dictionary?  Found it?  Good, now you’ve learnt something new and expanded your vocabulary to boot!  This isolationist approach to English denies the influence of languages on one another.  Words with Latin, Old French or Norse roots are historical artefacts, not code dreamt up by bureaucrats to oppress the masses.

For example, I’m not sure what:

“We are pleased to announce Drivel Defence, a software package that will help you to check the use of Plain English!

Please note: Drivel Defence uses JavaScript to run, so you will need to have this enabled in your browser. Click on the link below to check your settings.” (Campaign for Plain English website)

means (well, the “enabled in your browser” bit anyway) but I’m willing to look it up rather than to scent an establishment plot.

This all sounds a bit like a linguistic equivalent of “I want proper, English food, none of that foreign muck!” doesn’t it?

Mosquito Repellant

Am I missing something?

If recent press reports are to be believed the GSM Mosquito ultrasonic deterrent emits a noise that has been variously described as “shrill”, high-pitched” and “piercing”.  How, exactly, is such a noise meant to DETER teenagers? Have the manufacturers of this device ever spent any time with teenagers?  Because I would suggest that “shrill”, high-pitched” and “piercing” just about covers it, as far as noise goes.  Surely a more effective deterrent would take the form of a recording of a middle-aged parent repeating something along the lines of:

“Look at the state of your room! You’re not going out dressed like that? You’ll eat it and be grateful, if you know what’s good for you.  Are you on drugs?  Can I smell cigarette smoke?  Of course there was no internet nonsense in my young day.  We had to make do with a frisbee and we were none the worse for it, I can tell you.  Oh yes,  amused ourselves we did …only three TV channels…half-day closing…power cuts…Bri-Nylon…Instant Whip… bring back National Service……Are you LISTENING to me?!